Breaking the Lonely Dad Cycle: Cultivating Friendships as a Parent

If you're a parent, do you ever make time for anything outside of the obligations of work and family life? It's incredibly hard, especially for dads. We often connect through shared activities and are raised to value the "lone wolf" mentality. It seems more natural for mothers to connect and find solidarity in the shared difficulties of this phase of life. We often get modeled this behavior, and I personally witnessed my dad reach his golden years without a single friend outside of his wife and family.

I once heard a story about Men's Sheds, where wives drop off their husbands at a shared community center to try and force them to make friends. It's almost like dropping off your preschooler at a play gym for some basic socialization. This is one of the sadder things I've ever heard of, but I also understand the necessity. After a lifetime of serving others, it's hard to even know who you are free from the obligations of work and parenthood.

I've made a personal resolution to never need a Men's Shed. I want to reach retirement age with a community. But I think, like anything worthwhile, it will have to come with sacrifice. I will have to sacrifice some amount of time with my wife and kids. I will have to sacrifice some additional energy I could have put towards hobbies or side hustles. But it's all worth it because I want to model to my kids that it's okay to have your own life and that friendships can be as valuable as any other relationship in your life.

I'm still not nearly as good at cultivating community as my wife is, but I've made a few ground rules that have helped me dig out of my self-imposed loneliness in the past few years:

• Don't quit the band. In my case, this is literal. I'm in a band, and it can be a lot of work sometimes. There is no chance it will ever return financially commensurate with the effort put in. But having something that forces me to actually show up and interact with people is more than I ever would without it. For you, it might not be a band, but it could be volunteering, community theater, etc.
• Invest in your fitness, but do it with others. This week I went on a 25-mile bike ride with a friend, and another day this week, I did leg day at a friend's home gym. It's so easy for me to get stuck in a rut with my routines, but mixing it up like this pays dividends in the connection that it builds.
• Share silly memes. This is the most shallow way of maintaining friendships, but I do have a group of guys on Instagram that only exists for sharing stupid videos that appear on our algorithm. It isn't much, but in a way, the shared laughter does at least maintain a feeling of connection.

This is incredibly basic stuff. It's literally friendship 101. But as an introverted father, I need help reminding myself how and why we make time for these things. Someday, when my kids have moved out, I don't want to wake up with the feeling that nobody needs me. I want to know there are people there for me as I am there for them. I want to be pushed and inspired to be a better person, and the best way to do that is through a shared journey with others.

What are your favorite ways to build and maintain community? Hit me up on Threads and let's continue the discussion.